This story is a composite picture of the many couples our counsellors at Family and Juvenile Justice Centre have worked with. The facts and identities have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties. Nevertheless, the themes and issues are common and this could hopefully serve as an encouragement to those who have to travail the challenges of intimate relationships.

Seed of Gratitude
Sophia Ang
18 April 2007

When Peng called her lawyer to file in the divorce petition to end her 20-year marriage, Larry was totally unprepared. In his words, “it felt like a thunderbolt”.

Five years ago, Peng left her lucrative position as a Finance Controller to help Larry start up a business venture. With her expertise in finance and his strong business acumen, their endeavour blossomed quickly and soon became a multi-million dollar enterprise. Their children were also excelling in academia. Jerry, their 16-year-old was the top student in school, and Joan, their 10-year-old was in the gifted program. To the external world, theirs was the ideal picture of a perfect family—successful couple with great children.

However, within the high walls of their prime district mansion, cracks in the marital relationship were becoming visible. Although known to be charismatic & personable to his business associates, a different side of Larry was known to the family. Larry was an authoritarian father and demanding husband who ruled the home with an iron fist. To him, building a strong family meant clear rules and order in the household. Peng, being 15 years younger than Larry, looked up to him as a strong & charismatic leader who always knew what to do. As such, Peng played the quiet supporter and deferred every decision to Larry.

Peng was also a picture of contrast on the work front. As an accountant, Peng was good at what she did and quickly rose in her career. She was seen as a confident and decisive person, well-respected by her co-workers and clients.

Problem started when Peng joined Larry in his business venture. Both saw a different professional side of the other. Peng appeared forceful in business meetings. Larry seemed to accord more respect and attention to their business associates and clients. Their professional disagreements at work often deteriorated to full blown shouting matches in the home. Both felt disrespected by the other. Peng saw the incongruence in Larry’s treatment of others and the family. Larry was confounded by the change in Peng. Unfortunately, instead of addressing these issues with each other, Peng became critical of Larry while he avoided the clashes with Peng by spending most of his time networking outside his company.

Peng felt resentful with Larry’s increasing absence. Her demands for his attention were reciprocated by more hostility. Quarrels soon became a common communication pattern. Subsequently, Peng met her loneliness and frustration through an old schoolmate that eventually led to an affair. The affair was short lived as it jolted her sense of reality about the state of her marriage. Peng was a religious person and had a deep conviction of the sanctity of marriage. However, Peng also felt desperate, not knowing how to continue in a life-less marriage while bearing the burden of guilt over her infidelity at the same time.

In that state, Peng filed for divorce.

Larry was shocked, angry and shattered when he received the writ of summons. Although he knew that the marriage was in trouble, he had not expected it to reach this critical level. He had thought, naively perhaps, that the relationship would turn around with time. Larry’s first instinctive response was to contest the divorce to save the marriage. Unfortunately, that only alienated Peng further as she felt that he was out to punish her by prolonging the court process through litigation.

The opportunity for honest dialogue came through a referral for counselling that helped uncover the hurts and misunderstanding that had accumulated over the years. It was a challenging process learning to listen to each other out of their own woundedness. Nevertheless, for the first time after many years, both listened to each other’s disappointments and hopes.

Larry acknowledged his insensitivities toward Peng, but felt deeply betrayed by her infidelity. Peng did feel remorse about the affair and apologised. She also revealed her years of disappointments and feelings of not being listened to. Both painfully realised that they missed the person they were married to 20 years ago.

In an individual session, Larry revealed that he had his own ‘epiphany’ about life and marriage. He reckoned that he had been too focused in pursuing the ‘good life of wealth and power’ that he forgot to live life and treasure the gift of relationship that his family brought to him. He felt that Peng’s adultery and divorce petition was a wake up call for him.

He saw how broken Peng had become as a result of his own selfishness and presumptions. Larry felt that he could forgive Peng with this new understanding. However, Larry wasn’t sure if this had come too late for reconciliation.

During her private session, Peng said that she noticed changes in Larry. Larry was no longer the same person that barked orders and bulldozed his ways. Some arguments were still present, but Peng appreciated that Larry listened more. There were also visible efforts made in the way he related to her and the children.

Although Peng was still uncertain if Larry might snap back to his former uncaring and domineering ways, she acknowledged that it was probably due to a lack of mutual understanding that contributed to the marital conflicts. Peng also took responsibility for her avoidant stance that prevented her from dealing issues with her husband openly and honestly.

Both acknowledged that in the midst of their selfish desires and expectations, they had forgotten to be grateful for the goodness that the other had brought into their lives. This seed of gratitude became the hope and a launching pad for their courage to seek reconciliation.

After a period of time, Peng withdrew the petition and continued the reconciliation journey with the help a marital therapist and supportive friends.